I got an email the other day about my "new blog header" and my first reaction was to utter obscenities. Unfortunately, I've been doing that more in recent months although I am pretty successful at not doing it in the vicinity of grandchildren. Or other adults for that matter.
I went down to the B&B Studio and found Butler and Bagman smiling broadly with their idea for a new blog about "Days With Diggy."
"Who authorized this?" I demanded. "Take it down!"
BAGMAN (Whining): "Aw, Boss! We hoped you'd like it."
BUTLER (Lecturing): "You really need to stop fighting everything and get out more."
"Maybe," I admit. "I know that I've been a little grumpy lately..."
BAGMAN: "Grumpy? Grumpy?!? You're the poster child for Prozac! Everybody's scared of you!"
"Not the kids," I protest.
BUTLER: "You are correct there. You still have the ability to adjust your attitude and although you are grumpy around everyone else, when the kids show up, it is amazing how fast you turn into the Diggy that they know and love."
BAGMAN: "Yeah! Like yesterday when you were angry and frustrated because you thought you were going to have a free day and Noah got sick and then you had to watch both him and Kay and when they showed up you suddenly turned into Diggy again and took every pillow in the house and piled them on Noah's sick bed and turned it into a pillow house."
I take a deep breath. Actually it is more like a sigh. Maybe more like a resigned gutteral whiny exhalation of breath. "Yeah, well. They do smash easily through the walls of my frustration. But I'm still not ready for an entire 'Days with Diggy' blog."
BAGMAN: "Before this, you weren't blogging at all!"
"I'm just tired most of the time. And there's hardly an hour or two free. If I start something, I can't finish it."
BUTLER: "Excuse me for trying to pry you off your pity pot but you have all day today. The whole day! Nobody in the house except for you..."
I glance down at my ToDo list and reply, "...and the cat which needs to be fed and litter changed, and the dog who needs to be walked. Then I need to go to the bank, the library, the grocery store, and the mall for Christmas presents. And the bills that need to be paid. The broken bureau that needs sto be fixed."
BAGMAN: "Blah blah blah! You're no fun to have around anymore,"
BUTLER: "You have to admit, Mark, that your attitude, to quote Bagman, sucks."
"Which is exactly why I don't blog alot and why you need to take down that ridiculous header." I look at the crestfallen faces of Bagman and Butler and soften a bit. "Okay, maybe I'll try to blog occasionly if I get in a better mood. But erase it for now, okay?"
I leave the B&B studio to take care of the animals and hear Butler erasing the header. Butler, of course, just runs his fingernails down the blackboard to get back at me.
BUTLER (stepping up to the podium which has been rented for the occasion and temporarily placed in the Butler and Bagman Studio): "It gives me great pleasure today to announce that...OW!! Ouch!! What did you do that for?!!"
BAGMAN: "Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! There's no pleasure in this!"
BUTLER: "Of course there is! We should have been doing this all along! We spend so much time with the grandkids, we should be focusing the post on them instead of trying to be so clever and macho all the time."
BAGMAN: "You bleeping wimp! Can't you see what Mark is doing?! This is his first step to sending us to the nursing home! Everytime we start to write a great novel or post a world-class photograph, the door opens and the grandchildren show up and we spend the day watching Barney and E.T. We haven't even posted a single blog since October! Our brain is turning to mush and this is your idea of survival?!"
BUTLER: "As the Bishop of Geneva, Saint Francis de Sales (1567-1622) once said, 'Bloom where you are planted'."
BAGMAN: "You made that up!"
BUTLER: "And Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young - 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with...'."
BAGMAN: "Ah, yes. I remember the Newport Folk Festival, 1970. They were singing that and I looked over at this cute chick sitting next to me and smiled."
BUTLER: "And she moved to another seat. Just roll with it."
BAGMAN: "I still think this is a mistake. You are still going to be too busy changing diapers to have any time to blog and it will be another two months before you have time to write some cutsy story about the grandkids."
BUTLER: "Well if you ever bothered to help out changing diapers..."
BAGMAN: "I've got better things to do. And nobody wants to hear cutsy stories about grandchildren anyhow."
BUTLER: "Well Mark wants to try it anyhow."
BAGMAN: "Then where the hell is he anyhow?!"
BUTLER: "Sleeping, of course. Noah had a fever last night and he was up most of the night."
BAGMAN: "So Noah had a fever. Well that's real cute story. A real bundle of laughs. You got a picture to go with it?"
BUTLER: "You're just a terminal cynic. How about yesterday was Conner was trying to teach Noah to ride a bike and...what was that?"
BAGMAN: "Kay is waking up and crying. Probably needs a diaper change. See. This new blog idea is never going anywhere. Just because you're going to try and bloom with the one you're with doesn't mean you're going to have any more free time."
Grumbling, Butler leaves the B&B Studio, and stumbles down the hallway to Kay's room. Bagman kicks the podium, his uncut toenails leaving a large scratch. The podium rental company will probably keep the deposit, Bagman thinks. He listens to Mark's loud snoring from downstairs then turns out the light. "I'll bet we don't post for another two months," he says to himself.