Walking into the Bagman and Butler studio this morningm, I can tell right away that Butler is in a funk. Sulking, he looks up and gives me a weird look.
BUTLER (sarcastically): "So you finally deign to join us?"
It's too early to deal with squabbling, so I mumble about how I've been busy and emotinoally drained from finally making up my mind to retire in March and beginning to tell people. And besides, who uses the word "deign" this early in the morning?
BUTLER: "If you're worried about the shoot, Bagman's already finished it anyhow."
I look over and acknowledge Bagman who has been jumping up and down and waving his arms and shaking like a wet dog for joy so much that whiskers from his long white beard are floating around his head like a little dust cloud.
BAGMAN (delirious with ego-fueled ecstasy) "And every picture is mine!!! I've collected them from a lifetime!"
BUTLER (sourly) "A lifetime of being weird..."
BAGMAN: "Better than a lifetime of ironing shirts! Look how exquisitely weird I was when I was twenty!"
BUTLER: "I'm not sticking around for this." (He leaves).
I consider leaving too but since I am the only one in the room with actual physical fingers that can push the "Post" button, I'm stuck.
I wonder if this would get any better if I just shut my eyes.
Bagman's Best Friend
Hear no flamingo, See no Flamingo, Speak no flamingo
Cow that gives milk in cardboard containers
Sands of time
Gatekeeper of the sands of time
BAGMAN: "Open your eyes, Mark! You took this one!"
I remember shooting a classic facade of one of downtown Charleston's historic mansions a few weeks ago. "That's not weird. It's just a statue in some rich guy's drawing room."
BAGMAN: "Look more closely! The statue is mooning all the horse-drawn tourist carriages that ride by!"
Typical Charleston 10K Runner
I shut my eyes again, trying to shield myself from the sight similar to the man in the background trying to protect his innocent young son.
BAGMAN: "Don't act so innocent, Mark. You've got the driftwood below hanging on your office wall!
BAGMAN: "Didn't you ever wonder why people didn't like to go into your office?"
Eyeing the baby
Locking up Bagman in the drain
Butler and I should never have let you out." I comment.
BAGMAN: "Let me out! I escaped! No shower drain can hold the Bagman for long! I'm the master of escape, the Houdini of exit-ry, the Shaman of showers, the..."
"Can we please get on with this?" I plead.
Bagman dances the tree dance
(You might click and blow this one up)
Bagman's Tree-Dance Partner
When in Rome do as the Roman's do...
"That's not even in our hometown," I say. "At least the treeman was local."
BAGMAN: "But Cleopatra is so hot!"
"Oh no!" I scream, turning away with disgust at Bagman's exhibit.
BAGMAN: "Don't act so squeamish and self-righteous with me, Mark. You've posed for pictures that make nudes look tame!
Self-portrait with prostate
"That's not nude modeling, " I protest. "That was scientific medicine and it cured me of cancer!"
BAGMAN: "It's still weird!"
Why dontcha come up and see me some time...
A little wine, a little music, I could eat you right up.
Ooh...a praying mantis. Yummy
Blowing a kiss goodnight as we mount the stairs.
BAGMAN: "And now for the X-Rated ones!"
With desparation, I leap-frog the monitor, head-butt Bagman in his gluttounous gut, and hit the post button before he can do anymore damage.
BAGMAN: "But it's not even Friday yet!!!"