We recently renewed our subscription to the Post and Courier. I don't know why.
Well, actually, I do know why. Because we are addicted to the ritual of drinking morning coffee and trying to unfold and fold huge, clumsy pieces of rustling paper that contain things we will be expected to discuss with others during the day.
My Tae Kwon Do teacher told me once that he never read the newspaper. I thought he was weird. But I didn't tell him that because he could have broken every bone in my body with his little pinky. MAN BREAKS BONES WITH PINKY - Arrested for refusal to read newspaper.
I confess that the only part of the newspaper I read is the comics. Doonesbury, Zits, Bizarro...
The rest of the paper is predictable. Horrible car accident, people arrested for terrible crimes, some politician makes a fool of him(her)self, war somewhere, economy sucks, celebrities die or go to rehab, some catastrophe somewhere kills thousands, and somewhere in the piles of unfolded newsprint will always be something really weird -- Parrot calls 911 and saves man who swallowed cement.
So mostly I just scan the headlines to find the weird story and then read the comics. Today, I realized that you don't even have to read the stories. Everything you need to know is in the headlines.
"I'll bet I could blog my entire day just in newspaper headlines," I said.
"That's nice," my wife responded. "Did you read about the mudslide in Kenya?"
"Terrible. Two thousand people missing," I said, sounding knowledgeable. The number was in the sub-headline and I realized I'd have to add subheads to the headlines. I finished my coffee and started my newsworthy day:
· DOG POOPS IN DARK -- Predawn walk prevents stains on new carpet
· MAN INJURED BY DINOSAUR -- Authorities order clean-up of toys from livingroom floor.
· GARGANTUAN GARAGE REHAB COMPLETED -- Woman ecstatic despite deadline failure
· COMPUTER PREVENTS DISASTER -- Reminder of wife's birthday culminates in shopping trip
· OVERWEIGHT MAN FORGETS TO EAT LUNCH -- Discovery of apple turnovers at convenience store prevents weight loss
· U.S. POSTAL SERVICE STILL OPERATING -- Delivery limited to bills and ads
· CAMERA ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE -- Claims that rust from underuse is emotional abuse
· WIFE CATCHES MAN ON COUCH -- Busted, man claims he was only playing Nintendo
· PRODUCTION COMMITTEE APPROVES REPAIR OF PORCH -- Labor leaders call for strike
But seriously, if it weren't for the newspaper, what would we put under the electric griddle when we cook bacon?