Wednesday, December 1, 2010

And now from the purely medical point of view

Butler and I have decided that there has been too much humor over my humerus and we feel that at least one blog needs to be medically accurate for the scientists who might read this. Therefore, we have acquired the actual X-Rays and Analysis from the Emergency Room.

Below is the unedited version my broken arm written in actual Medicalese:

"There is a comminuted fracture involving the proximal humerus with an
avulsed fragment originating from the greater tuberosity with the
transverse portion of the fracture extending through the humeral neck.
There is slight impaction at the fracture involving the humeral neck.
The orientation of the humeral head and glenoid appears to be anatomic
on the images submitted. Mild and distal humerus are intact."

For those of you who have never learned Medicalese, this basically means that, despite the fact I was no longer at work but had commuted home and was in the proximity of humor when I tranversed the living room and struck the couch just below my very funny neck. The impact did involve my funny neck (unstated but implied here is that my throat, located in my funny neck, was forced to make loud cries of pain). I'm not sure why they chose to comment on my funny head and glenitals - maybe they enjoy adding sexual comments. At least they think my head and glenitals are anatomic. Or maybe it means that they are not radioactive. Finally, they note that my sense of humor is intact but only at a distance and is rather mild. Strange that they never mention the actual broken bone.

However, they did provide a photograph which Butler and I are able to decipher.

First, please note the yellow arrows. It appears that when I imbedded myself in the couch, several bedbugs took up residence in my body. After pointing this out to the doctor who had missed it entirely, he referred me to a pestcontrolologist for further treatment.

Secondly, the yellow circle at the bottom of the X-Ray indicates why I am having trouble fastening my pants.

The odd parallel lines and triangle circled in red confused both Butler and myself but after extensive Internet Research we discovered that this was an increasingly common physical adaptation to regular use of seatbelts.

However, it is strange that Butler and I have not mentioned the actual broken bone either. Looking more closely, however, you can see the actual image of the couch imprinted on the bone - red arrow pointing to broken bone. Karen calls it a sofa but I prefer couch because it includes the word "ouch."

Medical doctors, of course, use the Latin term, "Brokenus Bonus" so they can bill insurance companies for it.

Any questions?


  1. ouch! This looks like a lot of PAIN in the OUCH! My daughter use to transcribe for doctors and until you know the terms it can all be confusing...and pretty stupid! It makes them look attorneys...LOL yeah right. Just words....I think they actually got together with some drunken attorneys one night at a bar and made up a medical dictionary of terms...and visa versa...

  2. So sorry to know you're so fragile -- I always thought you were a SuperHero. No flying through the air or leaping tall buildings for you.

  3. Up until today, I had no idea looking at someone's x-ray pictures could be so entertaining...

  4. I was afraid I would be the only one that found the medical description sounds somewhat pornographic. I have always found the genitals to be a bit humorus myself. (tee hee)

    Sorry to giggle at your expense. I permit myself such a luxury because I am in the same condition sorta - although my genitals were not mentionned by the doctors - such discrimination!

  5. wow, all I read in the medical description was, "blah, blah, blah, blah...

  6. So, the Humerous Bonus although it be Brokenus and duly Fileable leaves only one more Medical Method of Magic to be probed....where's the cast and How Did They Plaster your Humeral Head and Glenoid? You know, Karen has a point...I'm sure she heard you say, "SoNfa" in reference to the cOuch!

  7. I'm glad I know all that, but will you be republishing and erasing all the marks one by one as you heal? May it be soon and painless!

  8. Since I am an expert in this area I know you probably have a cast on your forearm. The point is to pull the head of the humerus down and into alignment, therefore no casting on the humerus. Just add my name to the cast, in pink, please.

  9. I thought I would scan your x-rays without the benefit of first reading the text, and seriously, I thought you had a broken rib. And you are being approached by three UFOs at the same time.

    I am so glad that this unfortunate accident has only served to increase your sense of humerus; may it never leave you!

  10. Tell the truth:
    Bagman did not disclose that last rung. He was tired of all the extra chores Butler was making him do, the couch and tree were the last straw. They had argued that morning Bagman felt he should be lying on the couch preferably wearing the lemon yellow powerstretch sweats with the Electric Fanboy logo that he had been eyeing on e-bay and Butler had been refusing him.

    Bagman: ...and all this lawn mowing, it seems like all you want to do these days is mow lawns

    Butler (irritation contained in vigorous sigh) its leaf raking, you don't mow lawns in December. It has to be done, you can't have a lawn full of leaves

    Bagman: I don't see why not, they would provide texture to the ground and make us unique in the neighborhood.

    Butler: No one wants a "unique lawn" they want an orderly looking clean lawn, anyway, its bad for the grass

    Bagman: Nonsense I heard that it seals in the moisture and provides a protective shield against frost. I refuse to be part of your schemes to harm the lawn any longer.

    Butler: harm the?!.. all right enough of this, we have to move the couch and I need you to be there, its possibly an heirloom.

    Bagman: Why do we have to move it? I like it where it is. Besides, I had plans to check out that Electric Fanboy sweatsuit bidding on ebay.

    Butler: I told you I am not wearing that ridiculous suit. You will move the couch and help me fix the tree on the ladder right now.

    Bagman (pouting) your wardrobe needs more yellow.

    Butler (gritting his teeth, setting his jaw) No suit, couch, ladder.

    Bagman: (pronounced pouting) fine... what do you want me to do on the ladder

    Butler: count the rungs on the way down.