Sunday, December 12, 2010

BAGMAN and BUTLER DEBATE #1: “Sneezing”

Due to the fact that I am still unable to type very well, I have decided to turn over today’s blog to Bagman and Butler. Since they seldom agree on anything, I have called them in today for a formal debate. Roberts Rules of Order will be enforced. The topic of the debate will be “Sneezing.” A random coin flip has determined that Butler will go first.

BUTLER: “I don’t want to go first. Besides, what kind of a topic is “sneezing.” Not only is it non-controversial, but it is simply a natural physical function of the human body designed to clear the airway of unwanted particles. What more is there to say? I’m not sure that this is a worthwhile project concocted by you because you can’t type.”

BAGMAN: Robert Schmobert! I don’t recognize no stinking rules of order!! Can’t type! You are a weenie! And besides, “sneezing” is a dumb topic for a debate. I agree with my worthless opponent. It just happens…you can’t do anything about it except let’er rip! AAAAAAaachooooo!”

BUTLER: Well, I must assert that I do not completely agree that there is nothing you can do about it. It is quite possible to stifle even the most insistent sneeze if you really have to. The process is….”

BAGMAN: “What idiot would ever want to stifle a sneeze!!! “

Excuse me, Bagman, but you interrupted Butler. Robert’s Rules of Order. Butler had the floor.

BAGMAN: “Robert can stick his Rules of Order up his nose.”

BUTLER: “May I continue? Thank you. To stifle a sneeze all you have to do is wait until the urge to sneeze becomes extremely strong and just before you can’t hold it back, exhale as thoroughly as you can through your mouth so there is no air in your lungs at all and hold your breath.”

BAGMAN: “How can you hold your breath if you have just let it all go?”

BUTLER: “Okay, then just try not to inhale.”

BAGMAN: “You’ll turn white and faint!”

BUTLER: “I didn’t say it was comfortable. But I guarantee the urge to sneeze will pass before you actually faint. As soon as it passes, resume breathing until the next urge comes, then repeat the process. The urge to sneeze will go away after three or four repetitions.”

BAGMAN: “I’d rather sneeze – loud and long! Sneezing is incredibly pleasurable! In fact…”

BUTLER: “Pleasurable!!! What!! It’s awful, not to mention messy!”

BAGMAN: “You just interrupted me! Robert’s Rules of Order!”

BUTLER: “How dare you challenge me on Rules of Order that you just wanted to insert in Robert’s nasal passages?!”

BAGMAN: “As I was saying…(pause)…the irritation prior to the actual sneeze is a bit bothersome, but the actual moment of sneezing is an unbelievably pleasurable release! It’s like a nasal orgasm! And like real orgasms, it’s just a shame it doesn’t last longer.”

BUTLER: “You take the metaphor too far, Sir.”

BAGMAN: “No I don’t. Look at the face of someone at the moment of sneezing! Mouth open, eyes rolled back…it’s a veritable O-Face.”

BUTLER: “What’s an O-Face?”

BAGMAN: “Imbecile! Watch the movie “When Harry Met Sally.”

BUTLER: “Besides, when you are sneezing, people shouldn’t see your face because you are supposed to cover your mouth with your hand.”

BAGMAN: Hah! I got you now!! Back when the H1N1 Flu epidemic was around the Department of Health instructed people to keep their hands clean and to sneeze into the crook of their arm!”

BUTLER: “That was for coughing, Sir! They never included sneezing because when sneezing there are times when…how do I say this nicely…

BAGMAN: “Snot would come out and get on your clothes?”

BUTLER: “You, sir, are an uncouth speaker who vilifies the English language! You are also a loud sneezer who should not be allowed to sneeze in proper company. That is why you should practice my exhale proc speaker who vilifies the English language! You are also a loud sneezer who should not be allowed to sneeze in proper company. That is why you should practice my exhale procedure. “

BAGMAN: “And you are a sickeningly dainty sneezer !

I’m sorry to interrupt but we are coming to the end of our first Bagman and Butler debate. Each candidate will have 30 seconds to sum up their positions.

BAGMAN: “aaa… AAA …. AAAA … CHOOOO!!!!! “

BUTLER: “aa … AA … AAA … tsss.”

BAGMAN: “I just hope you don’t make love like you sneeze.”

I’m sorry but our time is up.

BUTLER: “I told you this was a stupid topic for a debate. Nothing to disagree about. We should debate the President’s Financial Stimulus package.”

BAGMAN: “Or the legalization of public nudity.”


  1. I agree with bagman, sneezing is a fairly witless debate topic whose only sense of usefulness is perhaps in its neutrality. It is difficult even in this touchy political/ religious/ life-style culture to upset anyone over what side of the fence you come down on about the breathe that explodes out of your mouth upon stimulation of the nasal passages.

    Bagman would be predictably bored.

    I think he would better enjoy a topic like" When Is Attempted Manipulation of Others Behavior Possibly Acceptable" or Is" Leading a Double Life Morally Dubious If Done Only In The Mind"

  2. Orgasm and sneezing...this old lady may agree.

  3. I think these two need to just go outside and play. On different monkey bars.

  4. Nasal ORGASM! I DID spit out my coffee. Bagman gets my vote--I love sneezing. SOOOoo funny on a cold Monday morning! Thanks BB!