Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Yesterday -- the whole story summed up in Newspaper Headlines

We recently renewed our subscription to the Post and Courier.   I don't know why.

Well, actually, I do know why.  Because we are addicted to the ritual of drinking morning coffee and trying to unfold and fold huge, clumsy pieces of rustling paper that contain things we will be expected to discuss with others during the day.

My Tae Kwon Do teacher told me once that he never read the newspaper.  I thought he was weird.  But I didn't tell him that because he could have broken every bone in my body with his little pinky.  MAN BREAKS BONES WITH PINKY - Arrested for refusal to read newspaper.

I confess that the only part of the newspaper I read is the comics.   Doonesbury, Zits, Bizarro...

The rest of the paper is predictable.  Horrible car accident, people arrested for terrible crimes, some politician makes a fool of him(her)self, war somewhere, economy sucks, celebrities die or go to rehab, some catastrophe somewhere kills thousands, and somewhere in the piles of unfolded newsprint will always be something really weird -- Parrot calls 911 and saves man who swallowed cement.

So mostly I just scan the headlines to find the weird story and then read the comics.  Today, I realized that you don't even have to read the stories.  Everything you need to know is in the headlines. 

"I'll bet I could blog my entire day just in newspaper headlines," I said.

"That's nice," my wife responded.  "Did you read about the mudslide in Kenya?"

"Terrible.  Two thousand people missing," I said, sounding knowledgeable.  The number was in the sub-headline and I realized I'd have to add subheads to the headlines.  I finished my coffee and started my newsworthy day:

·         DOG POOPS IN DARK -- Predawn walk prevents stains on new carpet

·         MAN INJURED BY DINOSAUR -- Authorities order clean-up of toys from livingroom floor.

·         GARGANTUAN GARAGE REHAB COMPLETED -- Woman ecstatic despite deadline failure

·         COMPUTER PREVENTS DISASTER -- Reminder of wife's birthday culminates in shopping trip

·         OVERWEIGHT MAN FORGETS TO EAT LUNCH -- Discovery of apple turnovers at convenience store prevents weight loss

·         U.S. POSTAL SERVICE STILL OPERATING -- Delivery limited to bills and ads

·         CAMERA ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE -- Claims that rust from underuse is emotional abuse

·         WIFE CATCHES MAN ON COUCH -- Busted, man claims he was only playing Nintendo

·         PRODUCTION COMMITTEE APPROVES REPAIR OF PORCH -- Labor leaders call for strike

But seriously, if it weren't for the newspaper, what would we put under the electric griddle when we cook bacon?


  1. Mark, you are priceless!!! I laughed so much at your day in headlines that my cat jumped off my lap (she does not like people laughing, maybe because she thinks we make fun of her, or she simply does not like the noise in itself).
    By the way, I do not have a daily newspaper, just a weekly one - and sometimes it takes me all week to get through it, depending on how many interesting articles I find.

  2. I subscribe to online comics so I can read Zits, Doonesbury & Bizarro (and about 40 other comic strips - yowza!)

    I keep wanting to unsubscribe to our paper - I never read it. But then I feel guilty, like I need to support the local paper. But then I feel guilty about the extra paper that is being wasted. But then I feel guilty because maybe the paper deliverer would lose their job if I don't subscribe...

  3. Mark you are so funny. Life without a job does seem useless sometimes, but HH and I love rustling those newspapers around, working the puzzles etc. Priceless

  4. I still like having a newspaper - the one I have is local for our town. If it wasn't for the local news and ads I doubt I'd bother.

    Well done with the headlines. Maybe that would be a way to tackle Facebook (where I never seem to be able to come up with anything to write).

  5. my husband cancelled our subscription. He says,"Read online."

    At work, we fight over who is first to get the paper at lunch time.

  6. And what would we wrap the fish and chips in?