Bagman and Butler are back!
Bagman seldom rises before noon, but today he is up with the crack of dawn, beating his chest, breathing deeply, leaping into Butler’s office like a ballet dancer (thankfully, however, without the tights), and roars, “Spring! Spring! The Vernal Equinox! I love the word vernal. It sounds so sensual…veerrrrnaalll.
“It’s just a season,” deadpans, Butler. “It means Spring. From the Latin. Vernalis. Spring.”
“Vernal, Vernalis, Venal, Vagina, Venus! I adore words that start with “V” And Springtime! I love Spring! The time when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of…”
“Flipping the mattress,” Butler interrupts.
“Yes! Flipping the mattress! I love flipping the mattress…” Bagman suddenly deflates as he realizes what Butler is talking about. He stares at Butler with a mix of contempt and despair. Butler stares back with a mix of…well…just a blank stare.
While the odd couple engages in a staring contest, I should explain what this is all about. Eight years ago, Karen and I went out and to purchase a new queen-sized mattress. We were like the three bears in Goldilocks. One was too soft, one was too hard, etc. But instead of three, we spent days, going and lying down on every mattress in every store in Charleston. I never realized how exhausting lying down could be! But it had to be the perfect mattress.
And once we purchased it and wrestled it into the bedroom, and set it up, Karen announced her research in Consumer Reports that showed mattresses last longer if they are regularly flipped over and alternately turned. I supposed that this flipping and turning delayed the mattress’s inevitable development of buttocks-shaped indentations, so I agreed.
But soon, I realized that we were flipping and turning it every other time we changed the sheets. This was a lot of work, not to mention that, when turning the mattress, the corners were prone to knock the lamps off the bed tables. Finally I got up the courage to suggest that we could probably get the same benefit if we did it less often. I was thinking maybe once a year. Wrong.
Butler, being the emperor of efficiency, came up with the astronomically accurate system of flipping the mattress at each equinox and turning it at each solstice. Brilliant.
Bagman, gives up the staring contest with Butler and erupts, “Who else in the world does this?! Nobody! Most people don’t flip mattresses at all!!!”
“I’ll bet lots of the people who read this blog flip their mattresses,” replies Butler. “Although in Australia they probably do it opposite and flip on solstices and turn on equinoxes.”
“Bah!” shouts Bagman. “And furthermore, I’ll bet nobody does half the anal retentive things we do!”
“Name one thing we do that is…well, I won’t use the phrase.”
“Lots of things!” Bagman says. He is on a roll now. “Like when the spray butter is almost gone and you open a new spray butter container…who in their right mind stops to pour the last few drops of the old container into the new container?”
“Waste not, want not,” Butler intones self-righteously.
“And who drives halfway across town because gas is 3 cents cheaper per gallon?! Who reuses the dryer sheets in the clothes dryer? Who goes to three different super markets to maximize coupons with store sales? Most people don’t even use (bleep)ing coupons in the first place!!!!”
“But think of how much we save by stocking up on things that are on sale,” instructs Butler in his best schoolmarm voice.
“Which is why we have 90 rolls of toilet paper stacked in the garage?”
At this point, I walk out of the room, unwilling to continue listening to this argument. I can see both sides of it. (Well, duh, seeing both sides of things is why I’m saddled with Bagman and Butler in the first place).
But I have to admit that before I met Karen the Coupon Queen, I lived in a small rented apartment, had no savings account, and my credit cards were maxed out and I was using Visa to pay my Master Card bill and vice versa. And now our mortgage is almost paid off and I might have even had a nice retirement ahead of me if the Economy hadn’t just tanked. And we still might be able to retire on income gained by selling toilet paper on the black market.
But I must admit that I don’t really know anyone who actually flips their mattresses. Then again, I’ve always been too embarrassed to ask.
So, followers of B&B, how many of you flip your mattresses. And welcome to Spring.
Bagman seldom rises before noon, but today he is up with the crack of dawn, beating his chest, breathing deeply, leaping into Butler’s office like a ballet dancer (thankfully, however, without the tights), and roars, “Spring! Spring! The Vernal Equinox! I love the word vernal. It sounds so sensual…veerrrrnaalll.
“It’s just a season,” deadpans, Butler. “It means Spring. From the Latin. Vernalis. Spring.”
“Vernal, Vernalis, Venal, Vagina, Venus! I adore words that start with “V” And Springtime! I love Spring! The time when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of…”
“Flipping the mattress,” Butler interrupts.
“Yes! Flipping the mattress! I love flipping the mattress…” Bagman suddenly deflates as he realizes what Butler is talking about. He stares at Butler with a mix of contempt and despair. Butler stares back with a mix of…well…just a blank stare.
While the odd couple engages in a staring contest, I should explain what this is all about. Eight years ago, Karen and I went out and to purchase a new queen-sized mattress. We were like the three bears in Goldilocks. One was too soft, one was too hard, etc. But instead of three, we spent days, going and lying down on every mattress in every store in Charleston. I never realized how exhausting lying down could be! But it had to be the perfect mattress.
And once we purchased it and wrestled it into the bedroom, and set it up, Karen announced her research in Consumer Reports that showed mattresses last longer if they are regularly flipped over and alternately turned. I supposed that this flipping and turning delayed the mattress’s inevitable development of buttocks-shaped indentations, so I agreed.
But soon, I realized that we were flipping and turning it every other time we changed the sheets. This was a lot of work, not to mention that, when turning the mattress, the corners were prone to knock the lamps off the bed tables. Finally I got up the courage to suggest that we could probably get the same benefit if we did it less often. I was thinking maybe once a year. Wrong.
Butler, being the emperor of efficiency, came up with the astronomically accurate system of flipping the mattress at each equinox and turning it at each solstice. Brilliant.
Bagman, gives up the staring contest with Butler and erupts, “Who else in the world does this?! Nobody! Most people don’t flip mattresses at all!!!”
“I’ll bet lots of the people who read this blog flip their mattresses,” replies Butler. “Although in Australia they probably do it opposite and flip on solstices and turn on equinoxes.”
“Bah!” shouts Bagman. “And furthermore, I’ll bet nobody does half the anal retentive things we do!”
“Name one thing we do that is…well, I won’t use the phrase.”
“Lots of things!” Bagman says. He is on a roll now. “Like when the spray butter is almost gone and you open a new spray butter container…who in their right mind stops to pour the last few drops of the old container into the new container?”
“Waste not, want not,” Butler intones self-righteously.
“And who drives halfway across town because gas is 3 cents cheaper per gallon?! Who reuses the dryer sheets in the clothes dryer? Who goes to three different super markets to maximize coupons with store sales? Most people don’t even use (bleep)ing coupons in the first place!!!!”
“But think of how much we save by stocking up on things that are on sale,” instructs Butler in his best schoolmarm voice.
“Which is why we have 90 rolls of toilet paper stacked in the garage?”
At this point, I walk out of the room, unwilling to continue listening to this argument. I can see both sides of it. (Well, duh, seeing both sides of things is why I’m saddled with Bagman and Butler in the first place).
But I have to admit that before I met Karen the Coupon Queen, I lived in a small rented apartment, had no savings account, and my credit cards were maxed out and I was using Visa to pay my Master Card bill and vice versa. And now our mortgage is almost paid off and I might have even had a nice retirement ahead of me if the Economy hadn’t just tanked. And we still might be able to retire on income gained by selling toilet paper on the black market.
But I must admit that I don’t really know anyone who actually flips their mattresses. Then again, I’ve always been too embarrassed to ask.
So, followers of B&B, how many of you flip your mattresses. And welcome to Spring.
