Saturday, February 28, 2009

Pure Romance Parties -- I never would have guessed!

I am up at 4:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning! This demonstrates one of two things. Either, (A) I’ve become addicted to blogging in the true sense of the word, i.e. “when a repeated behavior negatively impacts your life but you keep doing it anyway.” I’ve often said in A.A. meetings, “Although alcohol is my primary addiction, if you can do something more than once, I can become addicted to it.” In Virginia, I had a vanity license plate that said: OBSESS.

BUTLER: Excuse me, sir, but is there ever going to be an ‘or’ in this either/or construction?

Or, (B) that my sleep patterns are changing as I get older.

In any case, I am a tad sleep deprived but I have some time alone in the dark early morning hours to scan photographs, work with Photoshop, work on my poems…

BUTLER: But you are not doing any of those things, are you. You are blogging again, aren’t you. You might want to look up ‘moderation’ in the dictionary.

But we are interrupted by the crashing sound of the door slamming against the wall and Bagman erupts into the room, roaring with excitement.

BAGMAN: “I just found out about Pure Romance parties! We need to go to one!”

I look befuddled. Even more so when I wonder what it means to be fuddled. Is fuddled a thing you can actually be when you are befuddled? But Butler does not seem displeased.

BUTLER: “One of your fans put this into your head, right?”

BAGMAN: You’ve been hacking into my emails again!”

BUTLER: How else can I keep tabs on you! But I’m just pleased that a little purity has entered your life. A pure romance with God. Mother Theresa would be proud. We all need more purity in our lives.”

There is an awkward silence. I continue to explore the state of being fuddled. Bagman looks like he is befuddled also. Butler is busy looking things up on the Internet. His screen flips through various websites until suddenly he falls over backward in his chair.

BUTLER: “Oh my God!”

I’m thinking in digressions again that this must be the popular OMG abbreviation that kids use while texting. But Butler is now dusting himself off and throwing withering looks at Bagman.

BUTLER: “Stop. We are not going any further with this! This is a G-rated blog and Pure Romance is not G-rated. It is a line of products, using the term loosely, sold at parties attended mostly by women.”

BAGMAN: “Which is why we need to go! Now! And who says this has to be a G-rated blog?”

“Sort of like Avon?” I suggest before falling into another digression about what letter I should use to rate the blog. Probably D-rated for scenes containing brief digressions.

BUTLER: More like Tupperware. Except with small battery operated motors inserted.”

BAGMAN: “HAHA! You used the word ‘inserted’! Inserted inserted inserted!

Bagman is dancing around Butler like a 9-year-old who has learned a new four-letter word, teasing him with a sing-song chant: Butler said ‘inserted,’ Butler said ‘inserted…”

Enough, I think and stride over to see what was on Butler’s computer screen that shocked him so much. One glance and I realize that I have just lost 50% of my followers and my blog is going to have its mouth washed out by the Blogspot Police. I immediately hit the breaker switch and throw everything into darkness where I hear Butler’s disembodied voice.

BUTLER: “Rather odd use of the word ‘pure’ don’t you think?

BAGMAN: “I don’t care what they call it! I just want to go to one! Just to watch!”

I leave the room as Butler starts grilling Bagman about which of our followers told him about Pure Romance Parties so Butler can block them. Bagman is refusing to tell even if Butler tortures him with the deluxe feather tickler which you can also buy on sale at a Pure Romance party..

I decide that, at my age, we might want to start more conservatively. Maybe Avon. A nice bath oil for my wife. Or some Tupperware containers.

You never have enough Tupperware containers.


  1. Well, if I were to wager a guess, I'd say you probably have far more than just ONE uninhibited reader who has attended a party such as this at one time or another. They are quite popular with women, married and single! The married women often need to jumpstart their otherwise boring sex lives and the single ones need to entertain themselves until somebody else comes along to share in the fun! Tell Baggy that there are coed PR parties as well...and I need a date. LOL

  2. Why B&B, I do believe that you've made a lady blush here (said in my bestest Scarlett O'Hara accent mind you)!!
    And by the way, I don't think that you've missed the mark of Ernest Hemmingway by much dearie.
    Mean it :)

    Steady On
    Reggie Girl

  3. I do not 'fit' in at these parties. Haven't been to one, but I think I would need lots of wine. I was invited to a porn movie watching party once when young and since I had seen a very few, I turned the girls down. There's got to be something better to do when you are with the 'girls.'

  4. I can't resist... "at my age" ... do you think you would be "befuddled" or maybe even "fuddled" if you went to one of those "Pure Romance Parties"? Now better watch out because Bagman might think "fuddled" is a 4-letter word! Where do you come up with this stuff? Very creative & extremely humorous! I enjoyed this very much ... that's why I awarded you the Best Blog Thinker Award a few days back! Did you get it?

  5. We ex 'addicts' have a strange sense of humour, a necessary thing in order to get through life (and the bloody steps) I believe.

    I haven't been to one of these parties either, but I would if I was invited.

    Love your blog, its funny and slightly warped.....

  6. I love BEFUDDLED - its a bit like addled, which my brain often is after reading your pages.

  7. I am usually between befuddled and dazed and confused ...I think that might be a Led Zeppelin song.

    Obsessed could be my middle name.

    The steps ...recovery ...has dampened by enthusiasm for being, shall we say, overly passionate about EVERYTHING ...hahaha ..well it has!!!!! Ask anyone.

    Ohhh I so relate.

    AND ....this year I went to my first party like that with all the young women at my office and half a dozen nurses who were friends.. They insisted, it was ok, I am the QUEEN of blushing but I did survive.

    I actually won something at the party and I had to ask what it was for hahaha ...

    I consider myself very experienced at blush parties now.

  8. Obviously blogging in the wee hours of the morning agrees with you.

    No one commenting on my blog ever suggests these kinds of parties to me.

    I feel, neglected. :)

  9. Old age is a part, I can verify.

    I feel neglected, too. How about them kind of parties for men? Now that I have said it, yuck. Maybe it would be called a hairy palms party instead.

    Neat post. Rally enjoyed it. Especially once I realizied that you really were talking about what you really were talking about. Did you all - I guess the correct term is all y'all because all y'all are plural - cancel ou that webstie really fast?

  10. Your musings about befuddlement remind me of my confusion about another similar word.

    Disgruntled means "not happy."
    Does gruntled mean happy?

  11. All I am saying is why didn't you include the link to these Romance Parties? I think you are misjudging your readers. Maybe we need to get up earlier too....great post.

  12. Is G-rated anything like G-spot? Well ... I dunno. I've never been to a Romance Party. In fact, this is the first I have ever heard of them!

  13. Whew...Bagman loves your enthusiasm. I don't know what Butler thinks because he has refused to read any commments on this Blog.