Sunday, August 1, 2010

Not your mother's vacuum cleaner...well, actually, it was.

So it starts out with my son trying out a new job and I'm cringing because being a commission salesman is -- I think, at least -- incredibly difficult and stressful.  

No, actually it starts out with my mother-in-law, rest her beautiful soul, who bought a Rainbow in 1986.  And I'm not entirely sure when she gave it to us or whether we borrowed it and it stayed with us.  But I'm not sure I really liked it much.   I always figured it was easier to pull out the old Hoover.

BAGMAN:  "What are you babbling about!!?"

BUTLER:  "The Rainbow Vacuum cleaner, of course."

BAGMAN:  "Please don't tell me that Mark's going to do a commercial!!"

But Karen would usually say, "Please use the Rainbow. It works better"    And being a responsive hubby -- and because she was usually right -- I would.  But also being a typical man, I never saw any dirt to begin with and, Hoover or Rainbow, I didn't know why we were cleaning in the first place.

But, moving along, when Brian asked if we were willing to let him (under the observation of his new supervisor) do a two-hour presentation of a new Rainbow, we agreed.  After all he would get credit for it.

BAGMAN:  "And you got a free weekend vacation just for listening...don't forget that." 

But we had agreed in advance that we were not about to buy a new Rainbow no matter what!  They are expensive and besides, we already had one!  We'd be firm -- even if our son was the salesman.

So Brian, the new vacuum cleaner salesman in the family took immediate advantage of the fact we had an old one and, under the watchful eye of his teacher-supervisor, had us bring it down and use it to vacuum a section of the rug.  I figured it was already clean to begin with, but Karen runs her mother's Rainbow over a section several times.  As far as I was concerned, you could eat off it.

Then Brian takes the NEW and Improved 2006 Model and takes two swipes at the same section of carpet.  Their secret weapon is black cheesecloth which they insert at the intake port.  They pull it out and our mouthes drop open.

There was a ton of dirt and cat hairs that had come from nowhere!!  They must have been buried so deep in the carpet that they came from some prehistoric strata!   And thus began a truly frightening discovery of how much dirt we've been missing.  (By "we", of course, I mean Karen since even though I help, she is the Cleaning Queen and I'm just a good subject.)   Black cheesecloth after black cheesecloth is inserted and taken out, always covered with amazing new dirt!  From the hardwood floor!  From the kitchen tile!  From our mattress, for Pete's sake!  How does dirt get on a mattress that is always covered with a matress pad, two sheets, and a spread??!

I'm watching Karen mostly, because her expressions of surprise and embarassment are priceless!  Brian is having a ball because he knows (1) what a cleanliness fanatic his mother is, and (2) that this machine really really sucks.  

BUTLER:  "You want to try a different word?"

And lo and behold, by the time the demonstration is finished, we are buying a new expensive but apparently worth it Rainbow and giving the old one to Brian.

BAGMAN:  "You probably just bought it from Brian because his supervisor was there!"

BUTLER: "Come on, Baggie!  Karen wants her son to look good but she follows the old motto that "Cleanliness is next to frugality." 

I thought it was "Godliness" but in any case the new Cadillac of Vacuums has taken over our house.  In fact, it refuses to stay in the closet because it even has this fancy air filtering function so it sits in the corner of a room humming softly, emitting a variety of scents, and cleaning the air so I won't have asthma or allergy attacks.

BAGMAN:  "But you don't have asthma or allergies!!"

BUTLER:  "But if he did..."

BAGMAN:  "I can't believe you agreed that this was a good idea!"

BUTLER:  "That's why I'm called 'Butler.'   And it's also bagless, BAGMan."

BAGMAN:  "Very funny."

Anyway, I need to stop writing, post this Blog, use the special wand to vacuum under the refrigerator, and then go to bed.  At least I know the matress is clean.


  1. Well there you go - clean and neat, just like that. Good to see you posting again!

  2. If I lived closer, I'd want to borrow it! I'll have nightmares now about a dirty mattress! Living on a farm I'd hate to think what filth your little gizmo might find at my place.

  3. Hey, bring it over here so I can get rid of this cat hair! It is a pretty cool-looking instrument. Does it come in other colors?

  4. Laughing! I dunno; it kinda looks like a cross between Darth Vader and R2-D2, and it HUMS? And now you have to vacuum your mattress? Noooooo!

  5. Well, due to kids jobs on and off, we have knives, a vacuum sweeper, hundreds of pieces of Pampered Chef, a house full of Southern Living Home Decor, two boxes of jewelry from a company I do not remember. I would be hurting to see that Rainbow work, I hear it is magnificent.

  6. jeez this brings back memories - ages - & eons - ago, when I could barely feed my two babies a salesman came to the door.... I don't remember him being cute so that wasn't it.... but I bought this vacume that cleaned 'crap' off the mattress - I almost never slept on it again - cause they said it was bed mites...anyway bought the vacume - about 10 years later after paying for it FOREVER - bought a newer simplier Sears vacume and gave the 'good' one away. After the demmo I can't remember ever cleaning the mattress again.... good salesman.

  7. If anyone wants a demonstration...they tell me they go all over the world. It might not be Brian, however.

  8. HILARIOUS! I can just picture your wife's face!! Maybe I don't want to KNOW what's in my carpet...