Before going further, I feel a need to make the disclaimer that I think changing a baby's diaper is more humane than roping a calf...and unfortunately less entertaining.
Maybe. But maybe not. In this period of decline in the Rise and Fall of Washington, when Fear Factor, Iron Chef, and Most Eligible Bachelor can achieve viewership, why not the World Championship of Baby Changing. I can hear the announcer now.
"Next out of the chute we're going to see Baby Oil Mark, who hails from New England but came through the amateur circuit in South Carolina. He's one of the few grandfathers here, going up against this season's rowdy crowd of young dudes. This time he's drawn Snow Angel Kay, a four-month-old who's recently developed some slick moves that can easily hurt his time.
"And he's off! He moves across the living-room, neatly avoiding the coffee table, scoops up Snow Angel who is still young enough to need her head stabilized, a factor that has confounded several veteran changers recently.
"Look how neatly Baby Oil flips her down on the mat the fingers of his right hand working the snaps even before he slides his left hand from under her head. Seven snaps and the suit is open and slipped up to the small of her back! Eleven seconds! He's two seconds behind the current leader.
"Thumbs flick open the Velcro straps and the old diaper slides right out, cleanly.
"He's lucky this time. He dropped to 17th place in last year's finals when the baby he drew, Fecal Fran, threw him with a large number two.
"Wow! What's he doing? What confidence! He's rolling the old diaper and sealing it up with the Velcro straps to make a neat little contained package. He's dropped another second by doing that but should gain some back with style points.
"New diaper out and under with a single flip, redness touched up with baby cream, and a dab of talcum.
"Now she's fighting back, however! She just missed kicking off Baby Oil's glasses. Look at her legs and arms fly in her famous snow angel pattern. Unphased, he times his move back in grabbing both legs with one hand, letting one of the legs go, flying outward and before Snow Angel can bring it back, he's flipped the diaper up and over to her stomach.
"It's perfectly aligned. That's one of Baby Oil's advantages, planning the fit to save adjustment time. Many of the new hotshots on the circuit haven't mastered that yet. He plants it on Snow Angel's stomach, now able to ignore the wheeling arms and legs, pulls up one tab, then two...jumps back and throws both fists in the air!
"One minute and sixteen seconds! It's not a record, but enough to put him in first place! The crowd is going wild...at least the older folks sitting on the ends of the rows nearest the restrooms.
"Okay. After he dusts off his hat, we'll see if we can get Baby Oil up in the booth for an interview. But first a word from Graco Strollers, who always remind us not to fold up the stroller with the baby still in it."