Monday, May 4, 2009

Bagman Rescues Me From Depressive Blogging

So it is suitably dark and dreary in the old Brownstone where Butler and I sit glumly preparing our series of blogs about death after turning turning down the HVAC and lights to get ourselves in the proper mood of desolation. “Shall we start with denial?” asks Butler, affecting a Boris Karloff accent?

But before I can answer, the door crashes open, shafts of light from the dawn shooting everywhere, and Bagman explodes in on us, sending computer and keyboard flying off the desk with one sweep of his large arm. Simultaneously, he throws a sheaf of emails into the air where they flutter through the room like confetti on steroids.

BAGMAN: You will NOT do this series!

Butler and I are open mouthed but speechless, perfectly personifying the definition of agog.

BAGMAN: Haven’t you read what your readers are thinking?! Most of them are planning on skipping your next five blogs!

BUTLER: Well, of course. We were starting with denial and this is a good example of…

BAGMAN: Don’t you remember who you are?! Look! (He starts posting embarrassing photographs of myself). Write about life! Look at how alive you are!

“Were,” I correct him. “I took that one 45 years ago using a string attached to the trigger of a Brownie camera!”

BAGMAN: How about these!

BAGMAN: “Then how about this one!

I'm feeling embarrassed but Bagman's ego has no problem plastering pictures of himself (or me). But I'm still protesting - "Those were taken 25 years ago!"

BAGMAN: Then how about this one! Less than three years ago! Why are you babbling on about death? You’re a black belt in Tae Kwon Do for God’s sake! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?!”

“But I stopped going to workouts after that,” I protest.

BAGMAN: Not because you got old, you freaking idiot! You stopped because you got lazy!

I wasn’t lazy! I got too busy to do martial arts four times a week,” I continue protesting.

Butler regains his composure and steps forward assertively, beginning to make a comment about our reflexes getting too slow, when Bagman spins on him, and punches him cleanly in the nose, controlling the punch perfectly so that it to puts him on the floor in pain but does not break the septum or even draw blood.

Bagman then turns to me and begins spewing poetry in an Irish accent: “Rage! Rage! Against the dying of the light!”

Butler, tears of pain in his eyes, mutters something under his breath about the fact we were going to discuss anger in the fourth or fifth blogs of the series but he shuts up under Bagman’s glare.

“Okay,” I say. “I give up. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

BUTLER (whining): But what about our blog series on death?

BAGMAN: Here’s your freaking series! One of your Australian goddesses already wrote it. Death sucks. End of series. Now let’s go get sweaty.

“Maybe we could blog about eating doughnuts, instead?” I ask hopefully.



  1. aren't you cute - from young to mid - it is only the future that will tell if you stay cute, I'm betting on it - at least you got to show your poem and I for one will look forward to the poems written next and next. hugs and kisses from Brasil

  2. I love that old snap with the Brownie (you were looking pretty hot dude). I still have mine and still love it!!
    I want to hear the Boris Karloff you think that you could make the inflection shine through in your writing????
    A black belt??? Dude...........I'm impressed.....

    Steady On
    Reggie Girl

  3. I love your younger self, Sirs, with the Venus de Milo standing portentously in the background -- The shape of things to come, non?!

    This was a wonderfully descriptive piece, and and as for death, 'Do not go gentle', my blogging lovelies. xxx Kisses there for all three of you!

  4. Actually most of your photos are what we do to pretend we are avoiding death. Since it is inevitable for us all and we just don't know when it will catch up to us, I agree with Bagman that it is kind of a boring subject.

  5. I like a series of blogs about eating doughnuts on the Nile (the Nile, denial, get it?)

    Take your pick, depressed, unpressed, repressed, expressed, prepressed, suppressed. Any of them look good to you for a series? Double dare you to write a series on prepressed.

  6. Love the pictures. You're too cute to be depressing. :)

  7. Hey, nice buns BB!

    I knew Baggy was my kind of guy :)

    ONE of your Aussie goddesses??

    There are more than me?



  8. Well finally Bagman has knocked some sense into your head! Heads? I dunno know. Too many of you.

    First: I like the photos, especially the one taken with the Brownie camera. I also like Bagman hanging upside down (that is Bagman, isn't it?).

    Second: You can deny it all you want, but inside you are still the same person who likes to pull stings on cameras and hang upside down.

    Third: Do we have to talk about death-dealing donuts? Can't we talk about tofu or brown rice?

    At least Willow puts fruit in her pastries. Some nutritional value there.

    Dorothea says she is coming down to keep Bagman from going insane from boredom or dying from from "thought." Um? Wonder if there is such a thing? I'll bet a lot of people thought-die.

    I was going to Starbucks from something sweet (with berries, of course). Now I think I will stick to plain fruit.

    The moral of the story: Tglgooht tgakg rih dgawr oi hgohaf ggy.

  9. OK, on this one, I like the comments section more than the post itself. However, I know how much hard work and dedication it takes to achieve Black Belt in TKD, as all the the boys living here are studying for that. One is only one belt away, one is 5 belts away, and their fater is about 6 belts away ;-)

  10. Black Belt??? Sweet!
    Death or post it and I'll read it!

  11. Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Ed Harris? LOL

  12. wow, a black belt. you're my hero! i better be one of your Australian goddesses. or at least a goddess in training haha.

  13. great post, i'm a used to be, i used to be in shape, used to be this used to be that...mmm doughnuts. :)

  14. Yes, there's too much life in you, it seems, to focus on death.


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