Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Fashion, Digging Holes, and Rolling Stones

So this morning, I was leaning over the stove, watching water boil. I had decided not to blog because I had overslept most of my solitary time. But more to the point, when I turned on Blogspot, I felt this sudden sense of “Oh no, not this again! Another photograph of something I saw, another outrageous comment by Bagman, something too proper from Butler…blah blah blah.” Why am I doing this anyway?

I remember asking myself the same question about the time I realized I was addicted to rum and coke and Ballentine Pale India Ale.

Outside the window, I caught the gruff yet melodious voice of Bagman, singing from inside the Porta-Potty where Butler and I had locked him up. The sign on the Porta-Potty read “Nature’s Calling Inc.” He was singing a Rolling Stones song. “Jaded! Jaded! Badoobi!”

Karen called out from the bathroom. “Mark!” I knew she wanted something. She always uses my actual name when she wants something. Otherwise she calls me Honey, Sweetie, or Turkey Butt. I checked the water. She called again, “What are you doing?!”

I considered calling back, “Writing flirtatious love notes to women around the world!” But, having better sense than that, I called back, “Making Jello!” (We are at war, remember, with the Baby Ruth Infidels.)

She materialized somehow in the kitchen next to me, making me relieved that I wasn’t actually flirting on Blogspot. “Does this look okay?”

She was wearing checked pants that came below the knee and a red shirt. “You look great,” I said. I was trying to remember if they were called culottes or whether that was an actual word and if I knew how to spell it.

“Do the colors match?”

“You look great,” I said, thinking to myself that she looked a little bit like Annette Funicello from American Bandstand. But I have learned that there are some questions like “Does this look okay?” and “Did you like dinner?” that make it real easy for me to dig myself into a hole real quick. And I sometimes forget that the first rule when you find yourself in a hole is to stop digging. “You look really great,” I said, hoping that by adding the word “really,” the hole would not appear under my feet.

She dematerialized again. I began stirring the boiling water into the bowl of powdered Jello. I imagined myself to be Julia Child, who I once met – food for another future Blog. I also asked myself why she asks me about clothes when I don’t even buy my own and have less fashion sense than the Taliban. The only time I ever watched fashion shows on the Style Channel was to look at the models’ legs.

I decided that I would not post a blog today but would just go on to work. Sliding the bowl of Jello into the refrigerator, the thought struck me that I’d probably stop at the Convenience Store on the way to work and get a candy bar.

Butler stuck his head in the back door and announced, “I couldn’t stand it any longer and I unlocked the Nature’s Calling but Bagman refuses to come out. Or stop singing. He says there is nothing new to see.”

“You look great,” I said to Butler who gave me a funny look. I wondered if I could get through the entire day at work saying nothing but “You look great.” Unfortunately, I probably could pull it off and nobody would notice.

I threw on some clothes without worrying about the colors and headed for the door. I stopped to pet Sally who gave me an adoring look. “You look great,” I said to her. She wagged her tail.

In the car, I turned on the radio. It was, of course, the Rolling Stones.

Jaded, Jaded, Badoobi.


  1. Was Annette on Bandstand? She was on the Mickey Mouse Club, but Bandstand too?

  2. Pssst...they're called Capris. Culottes are above the knee shorts-thingies.

  3. At least you have good taste in music. I like "Glory Days", too. Woo Hoo!

  4. If she looked like Annette Funicello, she must have looked awesome!! Annette was my idol. Seriously, my idol until I turned into a teenager, and then I think it was Peggy Lipton from Mod Squad. Good strategy anyway, to say that everybody looks great. You can even tell me, and I'll like it.

  5. Poor BB....sounds like you needed more holiday!


  6. I'm glad you decided to post.......a day without your wonderful storie's and charming with would make me sad Mark.
    If wifey looked like Annette then she must have been cuter than a speckled pup.
    How long does Bagman have to stay in the Porta Potty? What in the world has he done now? One can only imagine.....
    I LOVE the Rolling Stones.....I think my favorite is Beast Of Burden, though I Can't Get No Satisfaction runs a close second. I love how it disclaims men telling other men what to think and do....and try to make them feel like they are better....
    (See, I can too be serious at your blog....and I hope you know my shameless flirting is just raw admiration for your many talent's. I'd actually turn so red if this wasn't the internet and I'd never be like that in person....well, not anymore!! I hope you're not upset with me?)
    You're quite the story teller B&B :)

    Steady On
    Reggie Girl

  7. Hahahaha .....
    I adore the Rolling Stones and listen to them often.

    You should have told your wife she looked as good as Annette Funicello ...I loved her so much on the Mickey Mouse club even here in Australia!

    And you look great too.

  8. Hi BBM

    I must say your post SOUNDED great this am...

    A great stream of unadulterated writing...

  9. I have never liked the rolling stones - is something wrong with me? Capris are those pants cut just below the knee that if too long look like high-risers from the 60s - and if you are a little over weight make your B... look like the broadside of a barn. I thought culottes (is) (are) [sounds plural but is only one pair of pants] a skirt that is split so if you are anne oakley you can do tricks on your horse and still look feminine, but if your a little heavy you just look ... I probably have dug myself a hole.

  10. I'm nervous that you're leaving him unmonitored with jello in the fridge.

  11. Wondering if any of you Rolling Stone fans have seen, "Shine A Light"....great movie to see... for no other reason then watching Keith Richards proves there is life after death.