Saturday, March 14, 2009

Hyperventilating


It’s the middle of the night and Bagman and Butler are awakened by quick-stepping footsteps and soprano hyperventilation. “Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god…


“White rabbit?” asks Bagman in the dark?


“No,” answers Butler, “The white rabbit says ‘I’m late, I’m late, I’m late.’ I think it’s our protoplasm having another panic attack. I think Mark is up earlier than usual and probably made the mistake of reading the all the new comments on his last blog.


“Oh my god! More followers! More blogs to read! So many talented creative people! How to keep up! How to keep up!” I stumble into my workroom at 3:00 a.m., slip on unfinished blogs about hermits and sculptors, hit my head on a clock that is moving too fast, and am out like a light in the dark room. Disembodied voices float around me.


BAGMAN: “Throw water on him!”


BUTLER: “We can’t do that! We don’t have any actual hands, remember? We’re just voices in his head! Let him rest.”


BAGMAN: “You can’t set a rule like that just because it suits you! How would people know that he’s not a figment of our imagination?” Bagman throws water in my face!


“Too many people,” I moan. “Too many blogs. Wonderful people. Blogs. Wonderful. Talented people!. Questions. Time. Too many. Too little. Too much. I can’t hold onnnnnnnnnn….”


BUTLER: “He’s delirious.”


BAGMAN: “Don't let him fool you. He’s loving every minute! In a minute he’s going to wake up and complain that he spent too much time looking at other people’s blogs to write the story about the sculptor who was cleaning the Minuteman Statue that stands at the Concord Bridge where the first shot of the Revolutionary War and how he was going to sell the photo to Boston Globe but he was too hungover to set the film speed right and he couldn’t make a good print until 32 years later when Photoshop was invented which was past the Globe’s deadline and then later when President Ford came to the Bicentennial Celebration he missed the shot because he was too drunk and and was throwing up behind on of New England’s iconic stone walls while the Secret Service looked on in disgust.


I open my eyes and focus, just tired now, never hungover. “Let me up. I need to respond to my followers questions and write about the sculptor who was cleaning the Minuteman…wait a minute! How did you guys throw water on me? You don’t have any hands!”


BUTLER: “Relax. Breathe into this paper bag. Bagman’s already told the story about the sculptor.”


BAGMAN: “You can start writing about your father’s hermit days tomorrow.”



BUTLER: “Or the next day or the day after that. You have to work in the booth today at the Black Expo Conference and hang insulation in your sister-in-law’s attic on Sunday. It can wait. People understand.


My eyes are focusing now. Coffee’s kicking in. The dawn is struggling to paint blue and pale yellow on the disappearing night. “Oh my god! The Black Expo! I’m late! I’m late! I’m late!”


BAGMAN (roaring with laughter): “I told you it was the White Rabbit!”


I run from the room, grabbing my laptop in case I have time to write about my Dad and E. Foster Atkinson if there is a break at the conference.


BUTLER (calling out as I disappear): “Your pants! Remember to put on your pants.”


BAGMAN: “I think more people would come to his booth if he doesn’t wear any!”


I realize there are only six more days before the next photo shoot-out. I think Barry said it would be about houses. Or was it graveyards. Where’s my camera?

17 comments:

  1. haha, so your just a figment of Butler and Bagman's imagination...interesting. and you should wear pants, if you don't those disgusted secret service men may come back for you. (and you can always throw them if you get bored!)
    love from the Gnu

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  2. White rabbits remind me of Alice in Wonderland ..
    always has been a sign for me ...

    I'll maybe write a blog about it in the morning (it's 10.16pm Saturday night here) ..

    Did you find your camera??

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  3. I dare you to turn off your computer for a week...twenty-four hours then. Can't do it can you? Addictions are addictions.

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  4. Absolutely hilarious Mark, no wonder you have more followers. Don't panic if you can't find the time to read and comment on all the blogs...there are no rules....just keep writing your blog.
    I love how you started with the white rabbit remark and worked the story line to include it at the end...very clever.
    Cheers
    Peggy

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  5. Mark....I am totally in love with your illnesses! Your addictions keep me coming back for more and more and more.........
    ~AM

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  6. That is just too funny. I can relate to setting the film speed wrong. Actually, I lied (must have been the person who lives in my head. Is this catching?

    The only reason I never did it is because I had three cameras and they were all labeled with colored dots to remind me if I had color film, high speed film, or whatever. The dots never lied to me.

    I once did a shoot with no film in the camera. Well there was film in the camera. It just did not catch (remember the days of rolling your own (film, to those of you who don't know what I am talking about)?

    When I got back to the darkroom, and opened the camera (in the dark of course), I must have turned pale white. There was nothing to roll.

    I will never forget the feeling that came over me, and I never forgot to check the "trigger" on the film roller again.

    I was saved only by the fact that the assignment was not important. If it been a sports game I had been shooting, I would have been sorting mail in the mail room for the rest of my life. Hell hath no fury like a sports editor without a photo.

    It is houses next Friday, and graveyards following week. Tell the White Rabbit to take a rest. You can let your photos tell the whole story.

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  7. Oh man, I can relate to the early morning up biz! Not fun! But like Mark (never B&B) I head straight to the computer! Wacky!
    Anyway, can't wait to hear about the hermit Dad.

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  8. A quick technical question. Like your picture in the header. Am trying to include one in mine. Mine ended up alo the way over in the left with text all over it.

    How do you center the picture and how do you get the text up there in the top? You young whipper-snappers know these things.

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  9. Its houses next week Mark. But don't worry about it, I'm sure Butler will remind you.

    Isn't success so much fun!

    Hilarious blog by the way.

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  10. Roguishly funny. I'll let you in on something, you don't have to actually comment on my blog........;O. I read who I like even if they don't have the time........
    ~Mary
    ps personally I like a man in pants.

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  11. Funny boy BB.

    She is like me....I am original! I insist.

    I relate to this...obviously as I just woke up and here i am in blogland.....

    Have a nice week wont you...I will be having withdrawals.

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  12. I'm loving Butler and Bagman more! Don't spend too much time with the internet, it can really haunt you in your dreams, you know!

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  13. SI -- I had the same problem and don't remember exactly how I solved it. I remember uploading the picture in different sizes, also clicking on it and adjusting it with the mouse...finally it clicked in correctly. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.
    PATTY -- Rolling my own (film), and shooting a roll that never advanced...been there, done that. Painful.
    TABOR -- I won't even try to go to a day without turning on the computer although times when I did not have access to computer, I did manage to cold turkey it and did not die.

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  14. Oh my this had me laughing, "he couldn’t make a good print until 32 years later when Photoshop was invented which was past the Globe’s deadline.." Blogging is addictive - I just had a 6 day break. Its good to step away from the keyboard every now and then. Just keep writing though, the visits are less important. You are gifted.

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  15. Was that Butler or Bagman who rolled the film?

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  16. Great post. Keeps me happy everytime!

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  17. شركة سكاي لخدمات نقل العفش والاثاث بالمنطقة العربية السعودية نحن نوفر خدمات نقل اثاث بالرياض ونقل عفش بالمدينة المنورة ونقل عفش بمكة ونقل عفش بالطائف نحن نقدم افضل نقل اثاث بخميس مشيط ونقل عفش بجدة
    شركة سكاي نقل العفش
    مدونة لنقل العفش
    شركة نقل عفش بمكة
    شركة نقل عفش بالرياض
    شركة نقل عفش بالمدينة المنورة
    شركة نقل عفش بجدة
    شركة نقل عفش بالطائف
    شركة نقل عفش بالدمام

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